i tell my mother in law: don't trust people's intentions; everyone will tell you how they have the best of intentions.
instead, i tell her what i tell my students of data thinking: learn to listen to what people have to say - then see what they do. then think about how much you can understand of the numbers and incentives at play behind what they say and what they do.
trust people's actions. you can see and verify them for yourself:
do they listen to your puerile humor, your poop jokes? Your bad accents?
do they tell you what's on their mind, through tears of laughter or fear, and trust that the risk of pooping your party is worth having a difficult conversation?
do they let you go head-to-head with their mother, or scarier yet, their matriarch grandma?
do they tell you when you're moving too fast when you mention the word "girlfriend" a few weeks into dating on the phone, and again in line for ice cream a few months later?
do they let you move your earthly possessions, even if they total 15 boxes and a sauna, into their tiny Brooklyn apartment when you yourself are homeless and without immigration status?
Distinguished guests, dear family and friends, fellow admirers of love in all its glorious manifestations:
I am humbly standing before you today, suffused with joy and immense gratitude. The event that assembles us today is as impactful as it is symbolic. We are here to honor the merging of two celestial bodies, the personal and the universal, the humble and grandiose. Today, we are here to celebrate the love between my beloved 三毛 and i, lijaan.
yili is simple: she laughs at my poop jokes and supports me. this simplicity belies her secret, the asymmetry in information she has wrought of the inequality she was born into and thereafter escaped thanks to her parents’ support. she now surfs effortlessly between the depths of this global south and the apexes of corporate boardrooms. she creates public and private spaces to share her wisdom, which grows ever more profound than the teachings 庄子 or 孔子 could communicate about the stories that now shape our lives.
every day i am lucky: she casts light to the darkest recesses of my soul, making it easy for me to tell her my worst fears and insecurities, and easier still to trust her in sharing hers. Such generosity of spirit and flamboyant neon art of living are a release for all of us lucky to know her - as my friend courtney says: "[yili's art is] Reminiscent of the celestial orbs that the ancient Greeks sketched to model their understanding of the universe. The individual is universal and the universe is a boob and Yili is Gaia. Copernicus hath nothing on these tittieeeessss" (referring to yili’s art, of course, which depicts variegated mammary glands from the 21st century human being). and as a side-benefit, the last name and attendant dynasty her family bestowed on me shall improve my search engine optimization and that of our future children — our famili — a thousandfold.
yili is as entitled as she is confident and demanding, in each and every one of the senses these words imply, and moreover in the shameful and harmful ways in which having confidence and being assertive are weaponized to bring down strong women who refuse to accept the mysogyny and sexism that run rampant across the cultures, languages, countries and societies we elope in.
yili knows what she deserves, and she asks for it. if she does not feel she has received, and her requests remain unheard, she asks again. She leaves a situation when it becomes apparent she will not be supported up to the high standards she has set for herself and those she cares for, from friends and family to employers and their impatient capital stacks that feign patience.
yili in contrast, is patient, open, extreme in her multitudes and passions — all this being her old normal for us mortals. For example, she pauses translation of a talk i give at huazhong university and patiently gives the context i am ignorant of when i mentions particularly intense example of a virus that kills millions and was born right here in wuhan.
You don’t have to guess what yili lives. She’ll show you and it’ll be in your face past the point of comfort. she wears pants until her butt shows through, outdoes me when proposing back to me in a building she helped design, one of my favorite disruptors of the New York City skyline. She loves eating lychees so much until even her nose bleeds. she does everything as she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants.
she gives me space to get over my fears of being with someone who i perceive to be stronger and more confident than i and continue learning from the example she sets in her behavior.
as laolao says, kids are like sponges. they absorb their parents' behavior. but while laolao's wit is sharper than a knife and rivals that of 庄子 or 孔子, i know her heart is softer than tofu.
so i had a leg up as we began our intense negotiations. picture this: in one corner, laolao, all malnourished-by-choice 80 pounds of 4 feet of her.
in the other corner of the kitchen my 220 lbs frame doing the dishes, akin to a cataclysm that threatened to disrupt the stability of her afternoon routine: a nap!
this intense negotations and my victorious triumph reflects not a battle of wills, but a battle of love, of being considerate, and of allowing people help you with matters as trivial as doing a single dish.
besides absorbing the loud emotions of the household i am lucky to call home, i also absorb the wisdom of her mother, whose wit and tongue are equally as sharp, and who is open to discussing matters and small and expressing her anxiety as directly as the ancient scholars. if emotions and compulsive caretaking were the olympics, we are already medaling in beijing.
today we gather in celebration of the union of two celestial bodies, of the personal and universal, the humble and the grandiose -- i learn both from my beloved sanmao in plenitudes that rival the depth of the ancient scholars' wisdom. as they tried to predict the movements of the celestial bodies, they failed and their errors birthed the science and technology we use every day. They needed help, much like we do today, from all of our friends and family gathered here to support our forecast.
in a similar way, i welcome the forecast of chaotic fun that awaits us in parenthood, in making our own errors in prediction that belie new knowledge, new gastronomic and dish-doing adventures, new difficulties in letting us help each other, and in practicing the guidance of the ample resources that flow from up high, gao wu jien ling.
in learning each other's dialects, cultures, families, countries, and immigration statuses, we express a universal language of reassurance, maternal instincts, reaching for ideals such as honest communication in lieu of mind reading.
whether we are cackling about poop jokes or dealing with all kinds of shit that is the inevitability of life, we ask each other to share in the aroma, fervor, and splendor that asking for help, expressing our needs, and mutual care and respect entails -- and to continue letting more of the people we are lucky to call friends and family in on the secret way, openly and publicly. for the now still sucks, and yet — and yet!! — being with you means I can’t but short later with all i have -- and continue learning to endure the forces of being in your orbit forever.
so remember: always let someone help you do a dish, and that a good deal of trusting intentions without actions isn't always a good idea -- difficult choices and commitments make for an easy life, even if it involves giving up your totalitarian control of the dish washing schedule.
so i hope we can all learn to accept all the luck and that comes our way, like all of you gathered here today. 谢谢.
--
I advise my mother-in-law: do not readily accept people's intentions; everyone will say they have the best of intentions. Instead, I offer her the same advice I give to my data-thinking students: gather the evidence, evaluate the data, and determine for yourself whether you comprehend the incentives at play.
Visible actions:
Do they laugh at your poop jokes?
Do they express their thoughts, even through laughter and fear?
Do they allow you to confront their mother, or even more daunting, their grandmother?
Do they caution you when you're progressing too quickly, such as casually referring to them as your "girlfriend" a few weeks into dating, and again while waiting for ice cream a few months later?
Do they accommodate your earthly belongings, even if it's just 15 boxes and a sauna, in their apartment when you lack a home and immigration status?
Yili is straightforward: she finds my bathroom humor amusing and backs me. But beneath this simplicity lies her secret, a depth that surpasses even what Zhuangzhi's teachings can convey.
She's assertive and self-assured. She knows her worth and demands it. If she does not receive what she deserves, she makes another request, and she will abandon a situation that fails to meet her high expectations for herself and those she values.
Whether she's translating a lecture for me at Huazhong, providing context for my intense examples of a virus that killed millions originating here in Wuhan, or whether she's wearing her pants threadbare, or outdoing me in proposing back to me in a building she helped design, she conducts herself as she pleases, whenever and with whoever she wants.
She allows me the space to overcome my insecurities about being with someone I perceive as stronger and more self-assured.
As Laolao claims, children are akin to sponges, soaking up their parents' behaviors. Laolao's wit, however, surpasses that of Zhuangzi or Confucius, but I know her heart is softer than tofu.
So, as we began our intense discussions, I was at an advantage. Picture this: on one side, Laolao, a mere 100 pounds standing 4 feet tall.
In the opposing corner of the kitchen stood my 220 lbs frame washing dishes, posing a threat to the stability of her afternoon nap routine!
These intense negotiations and my eventual victory signify not a conflict of wills, but a conflict of love, consideration, and the acceptance of help even for trivial tasks such as washing a single dish.
In addition to absorbing the intense emotions of the home I'm fortunate to call my own, I also absorb the wisdom of her mother, who discusses matters as small as expressing her worries with the same directness as the ancient scholars.
Today we gather to celebrate the merging of two entities, both personal and universal, humble and grand -- I learn as much from my beloved Sanmao as the ancient scholars' wisdom. As they attempted to forecast the movements of the celestial bodies, their failures birthed the science and technology we use daily.
Similarly, I anticipate the messy joy of parenthood, making our own forecasting errors that lead to new knowledge, culinary adventures, difficulties in accepting help from each other, and in applying the guidance of the ample resources from above, Gao Wu Jien Ling.
Whether we are laughing over bathroom humor or dealing with life's inevitable messes, we ask to share in the scents, passion, and splendor that come with asking for help, expressing our needs, and showing mutual care and respect -- and we continue to invite more of the people we're fortunate to call friends and family. Despite current challenges, being with you makes me strive to make the most of our time together -- and I eagerly anticipate enduring the forces of being in your orbit forever.
p.s. edit 240823: i got embarrased when i experienced bankruptcy and deleted this and am putting this back up to register my identity and insight or lack thereof of the various factors endogenous and exogenous to my mental health risk as we want to raise a family next year. https://web.archive.org/web/20230927074100/onefact.org/five-boro-bike-tour/jaan has more context but i deleted it after we raised $100k for the nonprofit i started to try to help me cope with my heartbreak at structural inequity while not putting my wife in danger. i still don't feel safe in the US until she gets her green card that i sponsored 3 weeks ago. i gave this talk last week: talk.onefact.org and had to evacuate out of an island that experienced level 5 tremors on the pacific northwest. i was scared of losing my life, killing my wife in a car accident because i had to drive through lightning on 3 hours of sleep for several days in a row, and negotiate with several interactive voice response systems. it is really freaky to be on lummi national land and experience how beautiful it is and how the country that i've paid tax for and went bankrupt to try to get a chance to raise a family in treats indigenous land - saw a toxic waste dump on the way to a serious car accident right at the start of the lummi national border. i'm so sorry i feel like i keep messing up.